I would like to be rich.

I've finally designed a simple formula to achieve that goal. I'm going to be a songwriter. I have a buddy Steve who can sing, and together we'll shoot to stardom.

I'll need to actually learn how to write songs if my plan is going to work, though. So I've carefully listened to many songs looking for a way to copy lyrical success. I'm proud to announce that I have a way to do it.

Songwriting Success Plan

1) Design a theme to the song that centers around being misunderstood. This will guarantee a Billboard hit. The following theme examples are all valid:

"No one has ever been through what I just experienced."

or

"I'm all alone. Woe is me (...even though I chose to be this way)."

or

"You don't get it. You're a jerk."

2) Plan on a chorus that ends each line with the following words: do, you, or too. You can use these words in any possible combination, even rhyming "you" with itself.

3) Fill in the middle lyrics with enough slurs and unintelligible words that you don't have to worry about what you're actually saying. Many song lyrics are tough to understand, anyway. People are used to this already.

4) Power chords = good (with or without distortion, depending on the song). Skip complicated guitar riffs (except for maybe a cool bass line). Keep guitar solos to 4 measures (under 15 seconds). Percussion and rhythm shouldn't be too "out there" (a band like Rush usually isn't successful!). And keep the melody simple.

I can't wait to be rich! And when I make it, I'll transition to doing infomercials selling this tried and true method for songwriting success.