DimeBrothers.com
Our debut novel release date: Summer 2037. 

My College Entrance Essay - 5 Cents
Posted by: Mark Nichols

31 Mar 2007


3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

 

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

 

Fermat's Last Theorem was my first. Special relativity was a theory I proposed after learning to read at the age of two. At three I was introduced to Einstein's work.

 

I discovered Eris, the so-called 10th planet, in 1st grade using only a Tony the Tiger magic ink marker and an old Lakota Indian star map.

 

By 2nd grade I was regularly being invited to conduct the Rochester Philharmonic Orchestra. By 3rd grade I was a Grandmaster in chess, having beaten Garry Kasparov in numerous no-holds-barred playground battles.

 

When I was 12 I brokered a peace between two rival tribal factions in Zimbabwe, harnessed the power of the sun in order to power my bicycle, and saved many cute pets from getting run over by cars.

 

In the 7th grade I won a Peabody Award for my unparalleled performance on an afternoon bowling program, a Polk Award for an expos on an illegal baseball card trading outfit, and a Pulitzer Prize in the drama category for a play depicting the harsh realities of life on the Upper West side.

 

By 14 I was an Olympian and by 15 a MacArthur Foundation Genius. At the age of 16, I became a Rhodes Scholar on the basis of only one class at a local community college... where I got the only A.

 

I run a marathon every morning in two hours and 10 minutes. My tennis serve is 160 mph. I'm fluent in the rules of Chilean rodeo, Nordic combined skiing, Thai boxing, and tetherball. Even under duress, my heart rate never exceeds 110 beats per minute. I blink only by choice. My immune system is so powerful it keeps everyone in a 20 foot radius from getting sick. If they are already sick they heal immediately.

 

I'm an expert in export law, an international free range chicken tycoon, and a neighborhood watch leader. I've reduced crime by 30%, lowered taxes, bettered education, and increased jobs.

 

I have 40 honorary doctorate degrees, have been granted citizenship in every country but East Timor, and have been a special advisor to every President since Carter.

 

I've memorized the Oxford English Dictionary, all the Harry Potter books, and the Qur'an. I read the Bible in its original Hebrew and Greek, can translate Sanskrit and Hieroglyphic writings, and write movie scripts in Ebonics.

 

I volunteer my time teaching people to read, teaching the blind to play the piano, and teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony.

 

But I have never gone to college.

© 2007 Dime Brothers
Category: Fun    

Reader Comments:

Denied
 
I'm sorry. You were looking good until the very end. Unfortunately, we ARE looking for someone who has already gone to college. Good luck!
01 Apr 2007
Dean of Admissions: Harvard 
I lied
 
I said I never went to college, yet I admit taking a class at a community college. (I'll claim that it was an online course, so it wasn't technically "at" the community college.) And who wants to go to Hawvawd? Yale will be calling any minute... (still waiting...).
02 Apr 2007
Mark 

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