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The Infamous College Entrance Essay - 5 Cents
Posted by: Mark Nichols

18 Mar 2007


I got the infamous "college entrance essay" from the following site on October 27, 2005: http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/%7Esusan/joke/essay.htm. The site says the article was originally written by a Hugh Gallagher and was actually sent to colleges. The essay is found in its entirety below.

 

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

 

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

 

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

 

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

 

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

 

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

 

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

 

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

 

But I have not yet gone to college.

 

© 2007 Dime Brothers
Category: Fun    

Reader Comments:

The only A
 
This essay is kind of like those urban legend stories that float around, where the end is always... "He got the only A." I'll give an example: The teacher asked the class to write a 2-page essay on courage. Jim wrote "This is courage." and handed it in. He got the only A. Hilarious and stupid at the same time.
18 Mar 2007
Mark 
The only A
 
Write an essay involving the themes of faith, drama, royalty, and mystery.

One student's submission:

"Oh my God, I'm pregnant!" yelled the queen. "I wonder who did it?"

He got the only A.
18 Mar 2007
Paul 
Résumés and Essays
 
Here's a YouTube link to an outlandish video résumé. I haven't checked it out personally, but it recently got a lot of news coverage for its outrageousness. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7pok0TKDU8 I'm tempted to host a contest now on this site, taking submissions for a new and updated college entrance essay. The essay I posted above, believe it or not, only has 450 words, so it's not that hard to pump out something that length, then edit it a little. What do you all think?
18 Mar 2007
Mark 

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