BBC Press Release

Security levels raised

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's principal white flag manufacturing facility, effectively paralyzing their military.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. The Italians have increased their alert level from "Shouting Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain, "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state, from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationist" to "Find Somewhere Else in the Middle East Ripe for Regime Change." Their remaining, higher alert states are "Take on the World" and "Ask the British for Help."

Finally, here in GB, we've gone from "Pretend Nothing's Happening" to "Make Another Cup of Tea." Our higher levels are "Remain Resolutely Cheerful" and "Win." In parliament today, the British attitude level was raised from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, it may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been at "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was issued was during the Great Fire, in 1666.

I think it's the absolute limit myself. If these terrorist chaps have a grievance, why can't they just write an angry letter to the BBC?